Fuck Fuck Fuck Fuck I Need to Fucking Practice: A Story of a Musician who Just Needs to Fucking Practice
so about 100 of you should go fucking practice
A year ago I broke up with my girlfriend of three years. I moved out. I ran away from who we had become, from the terrible emotional mess I had become. Terrible start for a tumblr post, I know, but bear with me for a while, if you have a bit of time. If you don’t, it’s okay too.
So, a year ago.
I was doing freelance at the time, working weird hours, balancing between long periods of paralysing self-doubt and forced overwork to make sure I’d deliver on contract work. I had been hiding anxiety crises for a while, never telling her or my friends about it, except maybe when it was painfully obvious - then I’d just say I was just a bit tired, that it was very rare. I was ashamed of not being okay, so I hid myself away from everyone, therefore I became even worse, so I had to crawl even further in my metaphorical hiding hole. I became distant to my girlfriend at the time, so she got frustrated and became distant, so I got frustrated at her and became even more distant. I probably made no sense, constantly switching between looking for attention/love and hiding from attention/love. I was a mess, and I never talked about it clearly. I never really asked for help, because my problems were a big knot of unimportant problems and unexplainable anxiety.
So anyway, we broke up, I moved out, I moved on.
Now a year later, I started over. I’m with a wonderful girl, an amazing, lovely, caring girl. She’s had a concretely tough year, but we took care of each other as best we could. I got the best job ever, working with super talented friends on a super inspiring project. I’m confident in my art, somehow, and it’s weird. In the past year, I’ve been myself more than ever. My life is full of positives, and it’s great.
I’m broke because I didn’t do much work during the “crisis” and poorly managed my money. I still have a few anxiety attacks here and there. I stress out about work, have moments of jealousy, get struck by impostor syndrome. I avoid sleep to not have to deal with some of my thoughts. My mother is on leave because she’s not feeling great, and it terrifies me. I’m not in good physical shape, I eat too much and don’t work out often enough. I’m afraid my emotional weakness will scare my fantastic girlfriend away. So, still kind of a mess?
Feels weird to say those things out loud and in this case to write them so clearly. I’m not okay, but I’m sort of okay with it? Now the hard part - I hope YOU are okay with it. I’m not asking for support, at least not in the “transfering some of my weight to you” sense. I hope we can all be okay with not being okay, together, by listening to each other. Sympathizing, loving, hugging, high fiving, congratulating each other. Make it okay to not be okay by saying it out loud, by smiling at how fucked up we all are, by laughing at how we have no idea what we’re doing.
tl;dr - It’s okay to not be okay but it’d be cool if we, all together, were okay with not being okay
big hugs your way man <3
Treble clefs by (L to R) Bach, Haydn, Mozart, Beethoven, Schubert, Mendelssohn, Schumann, Brahms, Debussy, and Ravel.
all musicians across all time periods: “fuck how does that thing go”
Beethoven didn’t even try
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Rules: always post the rules
Rule 2: Answer the questions the person who tagged you asked and write 9 new ones. + one command
Rule 3: tag 11 people and link them to this post.
Rule 4: Actually tell them you tagged them
What is your favorite quote? Give a man a program, frustrate him for a day. Teach a man to program, frustrate him for a lifetime. - Muhammad Waseem
Do you have a least favorite sound? Probably my alarm tone on school days when it’s been over a month without changing it. I try not to pick songs I like as I will get to hate them very quickly if I do, so I just continually switch between all the “decent” ones on my phone~
What is your favorite flavor of ice cream? As a kid, I really loved Strawberry Cheesecake and Cookie Dough from Ben & Jerry’s… right now, I wouldn’t know, I haven’t had those flavors in a long time :(
If you could meet anyone, living or dead, who would you meet? I don’t know :l probably one of my friends living overseas?
What was your last dream about? It’s been a while so I don’t really remember the exact details. What I do know however is that I woke up in horror and started running around my room and talking loudly for a couple seconds before realizing it was just a dream and going back to sleep— zzzz
Whats your favorite pizza topping? Parma ham, ruccula, fresh tomato slices, and parmigiano. Delicious~
Have you ever been on TV? Yis! Twice! Woo!
What position do you often sleep in? Always on my side. I can’t stand sleeping on my back or my belly. I always feel like I’m suffocating for some reason
Whats your favorite Milkshake flavor? I have actually never had a milkshake, so I don’t really know!
I COMMAND YOU TO- Look in the mirror and tell yourself that you are awesome. I *am* awesome. Nobody can question that, hah~!
- What are your thoughts on DUBSTEP?? much wobble. very bass. wow
- How about CHILL AMBIENT ELECTRONIC MUSIC?? such chill. very music. wow
- Okay, what about scented lotion? I don’t… usually… put that sort of stuff on o_o
- Hmm… Do you want to live in a rural area, a suburb, or a big city? Why? Having lived in all three, I’d say the city. Rural areas often have low internet speeds, suburbs are okay, but the convenience of living in the city really tops it!
- How do you feel about the existence of violent video-games? I am personally not a huge fan of them. I grew up under their influence, and so far most violent games I used to play I don’t even enjoy anymore. I don’t have a preference, the only thing I expect from a game is to surprise me. If a game can do that in a good way, it’s good enough! I also particularly enjoy games that are meant as interactive art (eg. The Cat and the Coup)
- What’s a song currently stuck in your head? space station no. 9 by capsule
- What do you think of the smell of mucus in your nasal passages when you’re sick with a cold or flu or something? Usually my nose is too clogged to smell anything at all
- What do your surroundings currently smell like at the precise moment? Nothing in particular!
- Are you more of a cat person or a dog person? I love both equally, but my mother always had this thing for cats. As a result, we’ve always had more cats around the house then we’ve had dogs~ so cats, I guess? o:
I DARE YOU — to go curl up in the fetal position on the floor and think about the meaning of life… what YOU want to do with YOUR life. If you already have one, great. If you don’t… It’s about time you figure it out. Hurry up, you’re wasting time! Go go go! : D
This strangely sounds like the sort of stuff I would do on my own… like seriously :s
- What song do you listen to the most right now?
- How much do you usually sleep?
- Would you like to live near the beach?
- Do you like going outside?
- Do you have any pets?
- What sort of music do you enjoy listening to?
- Do you like spicy food?
- What would you change about today’s society?
- Do you like lemons? Careful with what you answer. I’m onto you.
I DARE YOU — to get up from your chair or bed or whatever (if you’re already standing up, awesome!), stop whatever you may be doing and dance. DANCE
Hum… #hasnobodytotag #shame #hides #youcanstillanswerthequestionsifyouwanttopickuponthistaggingchain #thisisnttwitteromg #besidesthisiswellover140characters #okayillstopnow #sadface
As I work towards completing my own game, I’ve been thinking a lot about finishing projects in general. I’ve noticed that there are a lot of talented developers out there that have trouble finishing games. Truthfully, I’ve left a long trail of unfinished games in my wake… I think everyone has. Not every project is going to pan out, for whatever reason. But if you find yourself consistently backing out of game projects that have a lot of potential, it could be worth taking a step back and examining why this happens.
We’ve all had that feeling about at least one game, comic book, movie, etc., that comes out: “Gee, I could do better than this! This is overrated.” But it’s important to take a step back and realize that, hey, they put in the time to finish a project and I haven’t. That’s at least one thing they might be better than me at, and it’s probably why they have the recognition I don’t! If you treat finishing like a skill, rather than simply a step in the process, you can acknowledge not only that it’s something you can get better at, but also what habits and thought processes get in your way.
I don’t believe that there’s a right way to make games. It’s a creative endeavor, so there are no hard and fast rules that can’t be broken at some point. But as a game developer who has discussed this problem with other game developers, I feel like there are some mental traps that we all fall into at some point, especially when we’re starting out. Being aware of these traps is a great first step towards finishing something. (Between you and me, codifying these ideas is partly my way of staying on top of them, too!)
So without further ado, here is a list of 15 tips for finishing a game:
And so it happened: somehow, I got tagged. Welp, here goes!
1. What do you think when a band/artist “sells out”? — I don’t know! It isn’t something I would do myself as a musician (or at least not consciously) but I don’t really have anything against it either. I used to hate mainstream media a couple years back… since, my views have changed quite a lot! After all music is music, mainstream or underground, it’s all the same! *flamewar incoming*
2. Any specific personality traits you would like to see in your life partner? — caring, creative, honest, fun, open-minded, shy, sensible, kind, understanding, weird, unusual… I don’t know! There’s so many adjectives, I can’t even think up of words. Someone I can rely on completely without fear, someone I can share every moment with, good or bad, and most importantly… someone that accepts me the way I am, and loves me for it~ c:
3. How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are? — I’m not sure! If I had to take a guess though, probably older. People say I look older than I really am for some reason. I’ve had a server serve me wine in a fancy restaurant once… that was awkward lol
4. You’re having lunch with three people you respect and admire. They all start criticizing a close friend of yours, not knowing she/he is your friend. The criticism is distasteful and unjustified. What do you do? — It depends! Depending on who and why they are criticized, I can either not react at all or start questioning the so-called “friends”… I never know in advance how I’m going to react… feelings! :c
5. How would you describe your father in four words? — caring, sometimes hot-headed but cool most of the time. Often gets into arguments to prove a point… but hey, he’s my dad. I owe him a lot! :3
6. If you were to change one thing about your physical appearance, what would it be? — Nothing! I look good~
7. If you were a book, what kind of book would you be? — Most likely an auto-biography. It’d relate every day of my life, as boring or interesting as it gets. It’d probably dissapoint the average reader, and would very likely never sell, but at least, it’d (hopefuly) be up on a shelf somewhere, and that’s good enough for me!
8. Do you look like any celebrities? — Maybe! Am I famous enough to be considered a celebrity? If not, I don’t know. I don’t really know or care about famous people all that much.
9. Would you place education as a top priority? — With a limit! Education is essential, but the most important thing is to learn what you want to learn, not what they want you to learn.
10. Would you willing to reduce your life expectancy by 10 years to be come extremely attractive or famous? — …what? No!
11. What is your greatest accomplishment so far? Or at least one of them? — Being able to talk to people with more ease. I used to be awkward. Like, REAAAAAALLY awkward… over the past few years things got slightly better and I’ve been able to communicate with the outside world. At least I’m not scared of going out for groceries anymore!
12. What is something you feel guilty about? — A lot of things. I feel guilty for worrying so much about literally EVERYTHING. And it makes me feel even worse… it can really get on my nerves sometimes.
13. If you could be any fictional character, who would you choose? — As a kid, I always thought I would be Jeremy from Code Lyoko. It’s an animated series made by a French company (that unfortunately shut down recently). It is my favorite show to date. Now that I look back, it’s a bit silly, but at the same time, it’s really cool. It did so many things right. Anyway, he is the dude that discovers a crazy supercomputer in an abandoned factory and manages to put it up and running again with his programming skills. There’s a virtual world and everything~ he’s really cool.
14. Do you like having children around you? — It depends on their personality. If they’re not too annoying, I’m completely fine with that!
15. Name three things you consider yourself very good at, and three things you consider yourself very bad at. — I’m pretty good at programming, music (I think??) and being myself (when nobody is around, when people are around, I just hide in a hole). I’m horrible at living, communicating, and singing. Trust me, you don’t want to hear me sing. I sound wrong even autotuned… yup, that’s how bad it gets.
16. What are some of your pet peeves? — Seeing someone type “google” into Google… why the hell do people do that!
17. If you learned a good friend had AIDS, would avoid them? What if your brother or sister had AIDS? — Why would I ever want to avoid them? I have very little friends, I’m not going to get away from them for something this silly! No way. I’d get closer instead, and try to help the best I can, even though I know I can’t do much.
18. If you could be an animal for a day, what animal would you be? — A house cat. Best. Life. Ever.
19. If you could eliminate one of your human needs, what would it be? — Probably sleep, although often, sleep is what allows me to just get out of depressive moments… breathing sounds like something I’d like to avoid too. Maybe just feelings, I’d probably be bland and dull but at least I wouldn’t worry about so many things. At the same time, I don’t want that kind of a boring life… so honestly I don’t know. Tough one!
20. Is there someone in your life you could tell everything to? — I doubt there ever will… I have so many deep dark secrets, some of which I can’t stand the thought of. If I did, it’d have to be someone I’m EXTREMELY very close to, and even so, there’s still so many things i feel like right now I couldn’t tell anyone… So no, not really, not at the moment anyway.
21. Do you have any siblings? If so, how many, and how close are you to them? — One younger brother. We are close, although we fight a lot. We share a lot of the same problems in life (unfortunately). Sometimes, he says he hates me. Our relationship is weird. I still think he cares a lot about me though.
22. How quickly do you forgive? — Again, depends. If it’s something meaningless, pretty quickly. If it’s something that gets to me very personally, it can take a while… it just depends on the situation.
23. Is it easy for you to wake up in the morning? — Definitely not. It’s more of a chore than anything.
24. What is your preferred love language? (touch/gift-giving/acts of service/words of affirmation/spending quality time) — everything~
25. What color underwear are you wearing right now? — I’m in pyjamas: it’s white with a blue checkerboard pattern. Does it really matter o_o;?
Now tag 3 (un)lucky people and let the torture commence!
Well… this is awkward. I’m so new on tumblr, I don’t really have anyone I think I can tag. I’d probably have tagged Dream Forecast, but she’s the one to have tagged me in the first place… welp!
Welcome to my blog! I probably won’t use this often, at all. But hey, it might get me into writing more. I’m mostly going to post on programming and music, and my thoughts on them :D
I might also reblog things I find particularly funny/interesting from time to time, but that’ll very likely be rare :P
Anyway, thanks for reading, and enjoy your stay~!